I thought Third World life was hard, but living in the American suburbs might very well give me a run for my money. Yes, yes, I already know what you’re thinking. How can someone from the Third World find cause for complaint in the cushy life of Suburbia? In fact, how can anyone find cause for complaint?
Well, let me tell you: suburban life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Here are just a few of the countless reasons it’s hard out here in the ‘burbs.
1. Bye-Bye Cool Points
When you meet people for the first time in Atlanta, being asked “OTP or ITP?” is not uncommon. Those who live ITP are inside Interstate 285, which circles the city. Those who live OTP, are outside the city limits.
What difference does it make? Those who live in the city enjoy a social boost that us ‘burb-brats can never lay claim to. It doesn’t matter if you own a two-storey house in the suburbs, and they rent a 200-square-foot apartment in a dump, you fall to the bottom of the social totem pole.
I’m sure this is true of other cities, as well.
2. Slow Internet Speeds
Fortunately, we live in the golden age where social lives can take place online, ha! Thus, we may not have the glamorous life of walking out of an apartment door and into a city bar, but we can be famous on the internet! Or can we? 🤔
When I lived inside the city limits, the internet was amazingly fast! It wasn’t nearly as fast as the fibre optics I had in Jamaica, but it was close enough.
The very second we moved to the suburbs, my internet speed dropped to about a quarter of what it was. I cannot tell you how much time I’ve spent on the phone with Comcast in the past few years.
The problem? Apparently, people in the city cannot afford and/or do not spend as much time on the internet. But suburban folks have way too much time and money to kill. So there goes my bandwidth!
3. Driving Everywhere
The cool thing about living in cities like New York and London is that you don’t need a car. It is often easier, cheaper, and faster to get from point A to B via subways and trains.
Well, when you live in suburbs, exactly where do you plan to find these trains and subways? Not to mention, there is no corner store right up the street when you need to grab some milk, or a candy bar.
You must drive everywhere, which means owning a car and all the costs and responsibilities that come along with it. And if you work in the city? Well, you better have excellent ways to amuse yourself for the long drive into town.
4. The Back-Breaking Yard-work
What do city people know about lawns? Aside from the lucky few with vertical gardens, not much. If there is a lawn, it is usually handled by the property manager or landlord. And if they have to cut their own lawn, let’s be real, what do they have? Like, 1 square foot of lawn space?
Suburban folks, on the other hand, are out there cutting lawns that seem to go on without end. We might as well plant those mystical Georgia peaches everyone has heard of but never seen, and start a farm! Or worse, pay someone else to cut the lawn every week. And, there goes our travel fund.
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Are you the unfortunate resident of Suburbia? Please share your First World Pains with me in the comments. We can get through this if we stick together. City people, do not comment. You are not welcome, here. Go home.
