A few weeks ago a friend of mine in Japan brought something to my attention. I won’t say what it is, because once I do, it will be easy to find. It is publicly posted online and I’m not trying to embarrass anyone, today. However, after listening to the hilarious trolling of the incident and its perpetrator by my friends, it brought to mind a date I went on in my earlier 20s.
In that moment, I realised that the incident was not isolated. And worse, I’m sure I’m not the only woman who has, on multiple occasions, suffered a man’s misguided belief that it was his prerogative to do something as noble as allow or push her to be better.
I‘m not talking about well-meaning family members and friends—though they are often guilty of this, too. I mean men who barely know the woman they are attempting to teach a lesson she never asked for.
A Date With a “Feminist”
As seems to always be the case in my life, I was immensely busy. There was a guy who really liked me at the time, and though I did like him too, I much preferred to focus on my work than make time to see him. After turning him down a few times in a row, one Friday I was finally able to set enough work aside to meet him.
I left it up to him to decide what we would do on the date. I lived in the suburbs and he lived in the city, so as boys will often do, he chose a location that was most convenient to himself. After turning him down so many times, I decided that was only fair. So, I ended up taking a cab to an art gallery that was walking distance from his apartment.
To make it to the date on time, I had chosen last-minute work over breakfast, so I was starving by the time we finished looking at art. I immediately started scoping out restaurants nearby, but he pointed out that the area was expensive. I paid him no mind. I picked a restaurant and he meekly came along.
Once we were seated, he picked up the menu and asked me if I wanted to share a sushi roll. I looked at him as if he had lost his mind. “You did hear me say I was hungry, right?” I asked him. He ordered a small roll for himself and I ordered something else.
We then began to talk about the artwork we had looked at. He was great at conversation, so I quickly forgot his many blunders. After a while, I realised time was ticking, so when the waiter passed by, I asked for the check. The waiter looked at the guy and then me, and asked, “Is this separate checks or together?”
Remembering how the guy had complained about how pricey the area was, I quickly volunteered to have them separated. The waiter was about to walk off when the guy said, “Aren’t you going to pay for me, too?”
I was still looking at the waiter and caught the flicker of “Is this guy f**king serious?” in his eyes, before I turned to look at my date. “Excuse me?” I asked him, the very picture of innocence.
“I was asking if you weren’t going to pay for me, too,” he said, boldly. There was no playful twinkle in his eye, no smirk.
I turned back to the waiter, who at this point was struggling to hold a straight face. He was halfway between incredulous and fearful drama was about to start. I smiled and handed him my card. “Make that one check, please.”
His eyes widened as he took it from me and he hurriedly disappeared from the table. He returned almost as quickly as he had left. I signed my name, pocketed my card and stood. “I think it’s time for me to go.”
“I had a great time!” my date piped up. I smiled and without saying another word, I made my exit.
For days afterwards, he called and texted, while I ignored him. However, it finally grew to the point where he was calling and texting twice as much as usual. Finally, I replied by telling him I didn’t think we were on the same page with some fundamental values and it was better we stopped seeing each other.
He was flabbergasted, but finally asked if it had anything to do with me paying for dinner.
I told him, “Yes, in fact, it did.”
He promptly told me that he didn’t understand what the big deal was. “The girls I date are feminists,” he said to me. “They don’t like the idea of a man paying for everything, because they don’t want to feel bought. I had paid for the tickets to the museum, so I suggested you pay for dinner to allow you to exercise your rights as a woman.”
I almost died laughing. Sure enough, this boy who was a long way from home had somehow got to thinking that it was his responsibility to empower or encourage me as a woman to do big and great things, such as purchase his dinner.
He did not take into account that he made at least four times as much money as I did, that I had to take two cab rides and then also pay for dinner. In fact, in total, I had paid about US $80 and he had paid maybe US $30. I won’t even count the opportunity cost related to the fact that I gave up freelance work I could have been paid for to see him.
In the end, he did a lot of whining and I did a lot of blocking, and in time, he realised I was steadfast in my decision, and left me alone.
Misguided Male Feminism
I’m going to say something that’s going to tick off a lot of people today, and that’s okay. Sometimes people need to be a little ticked off to see themselves through someone else’s eyes. Here it is:
The only boys or men I have ever met or known who felt it was their responsibility to “allow” me to be great were White Americans.
There, I said it—bite me.
As a young woman who lived in the tourist capital of an island that is a favourite tourist destination worldwide, I have dated and befriended men from all around the world. However, the only ones I ever had this issue with, whether they were in their own country or not, whether I only knew them through online interactions or not, were White American men. And, not just any White American men—specifically, millennials.
I do not have a single doubt in my mind that there are genuine male feminists. I know many of them!
They don’t do anything to empower me. My feminist male friends still fight with me to pay the bill at dinner. They still rush to the door to open it for me, because they know if I get there first, I will hold it open for them before entering. They do not do anything different or special for me to nudge me to be strong, because I am a feminist.
Whatever feminist actions I carry out in their presence are entirely my choice. Their protests to the contrary are not because they want to tell me how to be a woman, but because they want to be good men. Their focus is on being a strong man, not pushing me to be the version of feminism that works for them or their budget. And that is empowering!
A man who finds he cannot be a strong man in the presence of a strong woman is not a strong man at all.
The same is also true of women.
I agree that women are at a disadvantage to men. I agree that women, from time to time, need a helping hand. However, the second you find yourself in the position of Mr. Feminist who put me on the spot, so he could encourage me to be more like what he wanted me to be, or what suited his preferences, then you are exercising control, not empowering. Feminism is about choice—our choice—not your preferences.
If you don’t know the difference between the two, please don’t empower us anymore. Believe it or not—and this is probably going to blow your mind!—we’ll be just fine. We’re not so fragile that you need to be responsible for our well-being or success.
We have fathers, husbands, brothers, uncles, cousins and best friends to charge with that duty, if we so choose. And yes, many of them are White American millenial males who actually get it—amongst a colourful sea of other options. Perfect strangers or new dates need not apply.
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To the women reading this article, have you also found yourself the victim of misguided feminism from men who barely even knew you? What about family members and friends? Have you been pushed towards certain standards or actions by a man who felt it was his responsibility to encourage you to be better? Share your stories with me in the comments below!
And, before I forget: HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY. You rock!
I agree with most of your points! I don’t mind paying for myself and for the man. My triggering points were patronizing men. There were men who thought just because they were paying, they were entitled to be late or expected sex after meal. My time was too precious to be wasted on such people. Happy International Women’s Day! 🙂
Hi—thanks for reading! It certainly wasn’t my intention to patronise men. Not sure if you were saying that’s what you didn’t like about the post, or that’s what they have done to you that you find triggering. I didn’t want to assume anything, so I’ll let you clarify. In any case, thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave me a comment. ^_^
I meant what patronizing men had done to me. Offering to pay for me but in a condescending manner. Then, I decided to teach them a lesson. If they are ever arrive later than 30 minutes, I’ll start ordering food and eat. If they are ever later than 1 hr, I’d have left the restaurant, off my phone and went for a foot spa. They’ll never ever get a second chance. 😛
Now, I understand. That’s why it’s always better to ask rather than assume 🙂
I used to give them 15 minutes. If they weren’t there in that time, I would go back home. One day, I just called up another guy who wanted to see me, and essentially went on another date instead. 😅😂
Another arena I am glad to be out of. Here there is general politeness due to my advanced age more than my gender. I am too old to complain.
I don’t think you’re old enough to get special treatment in Jamaica 😂 The older generation does get special treatment too, but that’s if your feeble. My grandma, for instance, is up and about and quite well. She wouldn’t get special treatment, maybe a good 9 times out of 10.
OK. I won’t look for any favors in Jamaica!
Haha you’ll get a few, but you won’t get the full treatment unless you look feeble. I don’t think you pass that feeble test! 😆
Nope, thank goodness.
Ahhhh this brings to mind another saying… “That’s mighty white of you!” LOL Don’t use me, my gender, my color, my any and everything as an excuse for you to try to get over.
Amen! I also think this extends to profession life. At work, men often think it’s their place to advise me. I’m the supervisor and I’ve worked there longer than them, but they want to advise me 😂 Please have many seats!
A whole stadium full. Check out my post I uploaded for this day and let me know what you think.
I’m about to get some work done, but I just put it on my today list! Thanks for the heads-up. I wonder why I wasn’t notified though. If you see me unfollow and refollow you later today, it’s to try to re-enable app notifications for your blog. Thanks again!
well i am an “older. white male american” and a land owner so fear me!!! lol just teasing.
but as an older white male american i often get offended by the assholes you speak of in this blog post and in the comments.
i have been on “dates” or hanging out (since date is such a negative word these days) with women who have INSISTED strongly to pay even when it was i who asked and set up the “date.” it seems some women feel if a man pays, then it is a romantic outing and they then expect to end up doing romantic things. im sure some men this is their plan. if one is just “hanging out” then it is more casual and paying can be shared.
no wonder people hide out in their homes, do activities by themselves and interact with others only via the internet.
Great post!!
If I’m hanging out with friends, male or female, I offer to pay for myself or the group. I certainly also pay if it’s not a romantic outing and I don’t want to give the guy the wrong impression.
However, this was a date! It was no casual outing! 😂 He was talking about marriage and kids, and that he wanted to take me with him to New Mexico, which was where his job would transfer him to next. Imagine what kind of provider he would have been for me after I gave up my life to be uprooted and reliant on him. 😆
Then he is really the asshole and is just messed up in the head about women. He was rude. And he will be single all his life with that attitude. Any woman to be with that guy deserves what she gets herself into. Lol
I’m telling you! He has a really bad relationship with his mom, but I refuse to accept that as an excuse. I have a restraining order against my biological father. That never stopped me from bonding with my stepdad and 90% of my friends are male! You see me travel with Tristan all the time. That’s my bestie. So, I can’t give him a pass on that. He needs help though. Plenty of it. 😂
At the risk of wrecking your thesis, I would like to say that white older American men are also assholes. Thanks! (Not all of them obviously, only the single ones.)
Oh, you don’t have to tell me that 😂 But their category of assholery is the more blatant and traditional I’m in charge mindset. With the millennials, it’s a you’re feminist, so you should do this, okay? Like, excuse me, Caesar? Who asked you?? 🙄
Oh, by the way! There’s another one for women’s day on the way. I think I scheduled it for about 45 minutes from now. This one tackles more of the results of old patriarchy. You might like that one.
Thanks again for dropping by! 😂
Well, the cheek of it! He must have been a tight-fisted individual to expect you to pay for his lunch. I don’t think I have ever come across such mean attitude, but I do get annoyed about the lack of manners generally if people fail to hold the door open or push in the line, as I like the same courtesy I give other people.
The cheek of it, indeed. I couldn’t believe he was serious. But, I don’t argue over money. It’s not like I couldn’t afford to pay, so I paid and let him be. I don’t really care if men open the door for me or not, unless he’s my man. Otherwise, he can run along, but I do notice and will probably roll my eyes, not because I’m a woman, but because if I had gotten there before him, I would have held it open.
There’s another post coming up you might like. It should be posted in another hour, I think. I wrote 2 for you guys today. Couldn’t miss the opportunity to cover topics on International Women’s Day! 🙃
The opening of doors should apply to everyone. If you get there first, it is polite to hold it open for those who come behind you, not just for your partner. I have always done that out of courtesy as well as giving my seat up on the bus for the elderly, pregnant women or parents with young children or people with mobility difficulties: I was brought up ‘proper’!
Agreed on all of that! Sometimes when I hold the door open for a guy, he doesn’t know what to do lol. I also always say thank you when they hold it open for me, too. American women often just walk in without a word as if it was owed to them. When will I inherit the level of entitlement in the culture here? Hopefully never.
It is all down to good upbringing. We cannot be held responsible for other people’s bad manners.
That is so very true! But sometimes you want to help fix it because you’re stuck with dealing with it lol. I once had to teach a friend how to say please and thank you. She was 13! She had never been taught.
Wow! That’s shocking, although I must say that as a teacher in a boarding school for boys for 17 years, I also witnessed some appalling language and behaviour from very young people. Weep. 😢
I’m sure you did! I’ve heard stories from my friends who attended boys only schools. I attended a girls only school, myself. Not too many appalling things happened in my circle.