When I was still a young child, my parents toyed briefly with the idea of having more children. More specifically, my biological father tried to coerce my mother into popping out another babe.
My mother refused and put her foot down, but he was so insistent that my mother finally sat me down for a serious conversation.
Guarding the Inheritance
“Do you want a baby brother or sister?” she asked, in earnest.
“No!” I said quickly. “I don’t want any.”
Amused by how quickly I shot the idea down, she asked me, “Why?”
I pouted and lifted my chin in open defiance. “I don’t want to share my inheritance!”
At the time, I had no idea what that inheritance would be, and now, I’m not sure why that even crossed my mind at such a young age.
Nevertheless, my mother honoured my request and raised me as an only child. When she became a single mother a decade later, she thanked me a thousand times for ensuring she stuck to that decision.
Catching the Babies
Years later, when I was nineteen years old, my first friend became pregnant. By this, I mean, she was the first friend my own age who ‘caught the babies’ – as my best friend and I termed it.
As we grew older, more and more of our friends caught the babies. It had the contagion of the influenza. Before long, there were only a handful of friends I had gone to school with, who did not have children. My childless friends and I looked on in wonder.
When I turned 21 years old, I called my mother from my college apartment. “What the hell were you thinking?” I asked her.
She laughed. “What are you talking about?”
“What could ever convince you to have a child at 21??? I would never do such a ridiculous thing.”
My mother laughed again and said, “Good. Don’t have any! Maybe ever.”
Societal Pressure
When I graduated, found a job, and started to enjoy my young adult years, I noticed a huge shift in societal expectations of me. Suddenly, as a college graduate at 22, there was the expectation that I should be married, that I should want kids, that I should have kids.
A few months later, my boyfriend at the time whisked me off on a weekend trip to a fancy five-star hotel and treated me to a lazy beach day and fine Italian dining. Then after one too many drinks, he professed his undying love, and asked me to marry him.
I told him no, and a few weeks later, the relationship was done. He is now married to the very woman he spent our relationship complaining about. She was older, and ready for marriage – and I was not.
He was not the only disappointed one.
“You’re selfish,” men often tell me. “A woman like you – your beauty, your intelligence – your genes are the kind we need reproduced in society. How can you keep them to yourself?”
If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I probably wouldn’t be freelancing today…
Familial Pressure
One day, I went to visit my grand-aunt in my hometown of German Town, Jamaica. I had not seen her in years, and she was delighted to know that I had graduated with honours from college, that I was employed, and that I was traveling. She was not delighted to know I had no children and no husband.
“What are you waiting on?” she asked me, incredulously. “This is the best time to have them, while you’re still young.”
I laughed.
She did not laugh with me. “I’m serious.”
“And who will take care of them?” I asked her. “When I have them, I’ll be sure to drop them off on your doorstep.”
She didn’t find that funny, either, and began to whisper in concerned tones with my mother.
“She doesn’t want kids,” Mom said, proudly.
“And that doesn’t bother you?”.
“No, it’s fine by me; I don’t want to be a grandmother, either.”
Coming to Terms
A few months after my mother returned to America, I called her. I had been thinking a lot lately about my life and where it was headed.
“I can’t picture myself ever getting married or having kids,” I told her. “When I think of my life ten years from now, I see myself living in a great apartment in the city, with an amazing skyline view. And it is empty. And I am happy.
“It’s not that I want that life,” I explained. “But when I look at my decisions and I think about the things I want, I can’t see it turning out any other way.”
“Your father and I have discussed that,” she admitted. “We don’t think you ever will, either.”
“It sounds like absolute bliss to me,” I confessed, “but I wonder if my 35 and 50 year-old self will agree. Or will they despise the decisions I’ve made in my youth?”
Ironically, two years later I was married.
Presented with Heirlooms
In the year leading up to my marriage, I was presented with one of the family heirlooms.
Though my family is by no means wealthy, there are certain assets that have passed through the family over the years. They are perfectly worthless now unless I sell them, to be sure, but could be a source of fortune for me 10 years from now, or for a hypothetical child in 30.
When I got married, my mother also presented me with a second heirloom: an extravagant wedding ring from her first marriage. My biological father had sent threats and tried to move mountains to get that ring back, but mom held on to it.
We joked that it was the one good thing from her marriage; and now it’s mine.
But What Legacy..?
There were other things I got for getting married. For starters: family, friends, and strangers began to wonder and ask, When’s the baby coming?
“What baby?” I often wonder. “The cat, you mean?” Certainly, they can’t mean anything else. What could be better – for me anyway – than an empty womb?
My stepfather, who fully supports my decision, nonetheless asked me what was the point of heirlooms without heirs. I am the last of the line of eldest daughters in a family that has been a matriarchy since my great-great-grandmother, and perhaps before.
The women make the decisions in our family, and the women fund them whatever their cost. The women are the educated ones, and the main breadwinners; and so, the women usually inherit all.
Until writing The Moreau Witches, I had not thought of this before, or even noticed a similarity between the fictional Moreau family, and my own. But I suppose subconsciously, the knowledge was there.
So, my stepfather poses a valid question: After my mother and I, what next? And yet, I can’t say I care, or that I feel any more moved to continue the family legacy in the form of something that walks, and talks, and breathes, and moves, and needs tuition money for four to eight years.
In fact, the very thought of having a child fills me with absolute dread.
Unprepared and Unwilling
A big part of that dread comes from the fact that I am definitely not in a place in my life where I would even dream of having kids, and my reasons are innumerable.
After surviving four heart conditions in my 27 years, I’m not sure I would even survive pregnancy. It’s not something I ever cared enough to ask a doctor, and probably won’t bother myself with asking any time soon. Perhaps, I already know the answer.
Along with that, having given up everything, and moved to a new country, I’m starting over from scratch. I have to build my credit from scratch, start saving from scratch, build up work experience with companies American employers can actually recognise from scratch.
I have no business throwing a child into the mix.
Throw Out. Replace. Repeat.
And then I think of my parents’ marriage, and how two decades ended in fire and brimstone. But more importantly, I think of the endless discomfort and verbal abuse my mother faced, while having to play nice with a psychopath, because he had fathered her child.
Of course, no one goes into marriage expecting these things. My mother certainly did not, nor did I. And yet… these things happen to women every single day, all around the world.
I, even more so than my mother, come from a generation where people do not fix things. They simply replace them and walk away.
My generation keeps their cell phones longer than they keep their relationships, which is saying quite a bit considering consumerist culture.
People say in time, I may very well cast doubt aside and change my mind. My biological clock will start ticking, baby fever will take a hold of me, and before long, I will have caught the babies.
Perhaps they are right, and perhaps not. What I do know is that the matriarchal line in my family may very well end with me. And you know what? Somehow, I’ve made my peace with that.
As the mom of two, I give you so much credit. Although my babies are my life and soul, I often wonder what life would be like if I decided to do without. Your commitment to yourself and your happiness is awesome. I wish you lots of happiness with whatever you choose.
Thank you. I can understand that feeling. I often wonder what life would be like if I never got married! We make a lot of decisions for love that compromise the dreams we had for our personal and singular success. All we can hope for is that it’s worth it. Hang in there. Kids do grow up 🙂
My mother once told me that she had only had children(four of them) because everyone else was doing it. I am glad I am alive, but it certainly explained the lack of mothering she delivered. So by all means follow your heart if you know you are not going to be a mother. Peace.
Four kids out of peer pressure?! Wow! Hell of a reason to have kids.
I heard one guy say that about the teens in his hometown in Illinois. It’s crazy that there are people out there who trust their womb to a trend.
I hope you and your mom were able to have a healthy relationship, regardless.
Great post Alex. I enjoyed reading this.
Having a baby is a choice. In my opinion, as long as a person is content and happy with who they have and what they have, they’ll be just fine without “catching the babies” I was 19 years when I became pregnant with my daughter and after raising two of my siblings, I had a lot of decisions to make before I decided to keep the baby. It was rough. I broke up with her father in the delivery room. I knew that he wasn’t the man for me. Thanks
In the delivery room. Wow. Talk about a strong woman. A lot of women would have held on for the sake of the child. I’m glad you stuck to your guns, because that never works.
Birth control are my best friends. I’m a little appalled by how they’re treated like a controlled substance in America. Back home you can just walk into a pharmacy at any age and purchase a pack. Clinics also give them away for free.
Thanks for the compliment Alex. I appreciate it.
Yeah, I think it’s ridiculous, the things that they make women go through just to get Birth control.
Wow… so it’s just like buying over the counter meds. That’s a whole lot better than what we go through here..
Yes, we just buy birth control over the counter like aspirin. The only birth control they ask you questions about is the morning after pill, and you can still get that over the counter. Pharmacists only question to make sure it’s not a habit, as that’s dangerous.
And you’re welcome!
Thank you for this post. I admire your mother for planning you and for not compromising regarding her desire to have one child. I also love that you are honest, practical, and at peace with your decision regarding having kids. I can imagine you adopting a child or two who really need you 20 years from now. It’s so important to be in control of our lives, proactive rather than reactive, and to stick to our goals and dreams. I did the opposite: married the wrong person at the wrong time for all the wrong reasons, was irresponsible when it came to birth control, and it’s taken me nearly 20 years to get back on track and have solid reasons for feeling good about my family’s future. Your blog makes us think and reflect!
Thank you Joanna for reading and for sharing your story.
I think I too could have made better decisions regarding my marriage, but have been wise at least in putting my foot down as far as the kids were concerned. So I’m grateful for that.
My mom also married the wrong person and took 20 years to get her life back on track, but she’s very happy now. I hope you find your own happiness again soon! 🙂
I always knew I didn’t want kids. My mom always wanted more grandchildren than the 2 my brother gave her. After two decades of my active addiction, my mother has made peace with the fact that my brother’s children are probably the only grandchildren she will have, as both my sister and I aren’t likely to have any. No child should ever have to have the kind of mother I would have been as a practicing addict.
Now that I am well into my forties and eleven and a half years into recovery from addiction, I am glad that I never had children. That is an area of my life where I have no regrets. I see what my husband’s children have grown up to be as a result of both of their parents being addicts, and I can only be grateful that I didn’t traumatize a child that way. I am also grateful that I never had to go through what my mother had to go through with me while I was living my insanity.
Thank you for writing so beautifully about what can be a contentious subject.
Hello Cynthia. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your story. And you’re right, it would not have been the ideal situation to raise a child. Do you think you would have wanted one if things had been otherwise, though?
I wonder too if my mother will ever change her mind about not wanting grandkids. Perhaps not. She’s been pretty stuck on that that for as long as I can remember.
Congrats on your recovery and all the best for the road ahead. 🙂
I don’t know if things would have been different. I can remember not wanting children back in middle school. perhaps because I had heard relatives telling their kids “you get paid back ten times over for all the stuff you do to your parents” or some such. Or maybe some part of me, deep inside, knew that I might never be able to give up enough of myself to properly care for a child.
That’s understandable. I think I was about 14 before I decided kids were not for me. Prior to that I had merely accepted I would grow up, get married, and have a few. I guess I hadn’t really given it much thought until then.
I feel the same way. Babies may be for other people, and maybe someday I’ll adopt, but why add more children to an already overpopulated world if I’m not sure I want them to begin with? There are enough reluctant parents out there.
You sound like me when I was 14. I said those same words about why I wanted to adopt rather than have my own kids when I grew up.
But at 27, I’m not sure I even want to adopt. I just don’t see how children will fit into my life very well. I feel like they would hold me back from living the life I want.
As you said, there are enough reluctant parents out there..
I definitely feel like kids would hold me back in life, especially now, but I know my boyfriend might want them someday waaaay in the future when we’re settled and it’s financially viable. Then we would probably adopt. But only if we were both into the idea.
Well it’s good that he’s on the same page as you on that one. That’s very important.
Michael wants kids, but even aside from me not wanting any, there are serious mental illnesses running rampant in his family that I want no part in. I’ll pass on that.
Yeah, we check in on that every so often, just to be sure we’re on the same page. Oh, yeah. That sounds like a genetic Russian Roulette.
There’s a really interesting Meghan Daum essay on the conflict of not wanting kids. I forget what it’s called but it’s in her book “Unspeakable.” It really resonated with me (as did the other essays in the book) and you might like it too.
I should check that out.
And yes, I’m not playing that game with him haha. I have no idea why he would want kids, considering his genetics.
For some reason, I’ve found more guys into the idea of having kids than women. Maybe it’s my age group or maybe it’s that they don’t have to deal with popping the damn things out haha.
That’s what I’ve found as well. It’s even more urgent for them I guess, since we can make the decision at any time, but they have to convince someone.
Good point. I never thought about it that way.
Loved hearing this story! Rarely are you even allowed to muster any words that have to do with NOT having a baby. Glad to hear you could bring it forth.
I am the unusual of all unusual’s when it comes to societal norms.
Never married, no children.
Never really had a strong desire to have children. I wanted the pain and suffering of my childhood to stop with me.
Wanted to get married, but never found anyone worth marrying, who would have made a worthy partner for life. So, glad I made that decision, as I watch many others in unhappy marriages and divorce.
Gotta Run!
Thanks for sharing your story!
Thanks Diana! I would say you made a wise choice in not getting married. It’s really not all its cracked up to be. But at least I escaped catching the babies! Hahaha
Thanks so much for dropping by, and I’m glad you liked the post 🙂
🙂
Oh goodness do I love this post! I’m still younger than you, but I am surrounded by friends and family who are married and thinking about having kids (or not). It’s a constant topic. It’s always there and while I know I’m not ready for kids yet, I feel like there is this timeline I need to reach. I feel like if I don’t have plans for kids by the time I’m 30, I’ll be missing out on something. (Rather ironic given that my mother was 37 when she had her first kid, my brother.) Yet, there are definitely pressures. I know I want kids someday, but that someday is still a ways off for me. I know that. I accept that, but it doesn’t help alleviate the constant pressure of society and the people around us.
I think it’s great that you’ve decided what you want. I may not be able to relate to people who never want kids, but I totally support their decision because it’s their decision. Not everyone wants to be parents. Not everyone wants the financial and mental stress that comes with kids and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s just one person’s preference over another. I hope someday I can figure out what’s right for me, as you have.
Thanks for posting this!
Thanks for dropping by, reading, and (most importantly) sharing your own story.
Don’t let anyone push you into making decisions you aren’t ready for. I wish I had waited longer before getting married – much longer. A woman loses a lot in marriage, from our last names to the right to put our careers first. There’s a reason they never say behind every great woman, there’s a man…
Tough it out for as long as possible! Haha. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you 🙂
Thanks, Alexis. My degree is definitely coming first. I don’t even think I’ll get married, much less have kids until I get my PhD. And I have been giving a lot of thought to keeping my last name. After all, if I publish research papers, changing my last name would cause quite a few problems.
That’s great. That’s what I did as well. I kept my name when I got married and added my husband’s. So I have 2 last names and that makes it a little easier for me.
Intriguing
Thanks Darryl
Que Sera Sera Alexis!
FYI you had me thinking yaye another single like-minded gal… and then smack thud in your face I read this “Ironically, two years later I was married.”
Haha. Still like-minded. Not every marriage follows the traditional routine, you’ll find. 😉